The Height of Paranoia, 4 inches

Pardon my misspellings of drunkenness, but let me make a point. I have, and have never had, any choice about my hieght. Genectics and all...Now whereas I fight it, let me assure you you are correct, I can do something about my weight. It's hard, but possible to loose a few pounds, but inches....?
So recently I had a couple leaveing the restaurant say this:
"Did anyone ever tell you you were tall?"
I flashed, unwillingly, to all those people who called me amazon, who called me jolly green giant (whose vegetables to this day i cannot buy) to all the paper wads and name calling I received....
And I said, in some sort of flippant moment at 6ft 2in..."No,why?"
Both of the members of this couple stopped dead to say, "Uhm, cause you are."
I replied, in my best confused, dumb blonde voice, "Really?"
Yeah, dumb asses, I know, and have been told every day since 6th grade at least. It's the reason they threw stuff at me, the reason everyone made fun of me and the reason i never had a boyfriend. Yeah, after all these years, you are not the first to tell me....but i didin't say that.
This startled couple left the retaurant but not my mind.
What I thought about though, was a lady at church.
She put my mom into a panic. In sixth grade she mentioned to my mom..."gigantism."
My mom took me to a growth specialist. They found out i didn't have gigantism, thank the gods, but however, they could give me some hormones.
"I'll take them." I said.
Let me explain what they do....
"Yes, I'll take them...."I stressed...
"well they will stop your growth (at somewhere between 5 ft 9 aqnd 5 ft 10) but there are some side effects."
"I'll take them," I repeated.
"The side effects can include breast enlargement, etc etc, tenderness here and there, etc"
"I'll take them." I again made clear.
"Also there is this and that...oh and you'll need a pelvic exham."
"What?"
"Before taking them you'll need a standard pelvic exham."
"a what?" I asked at the bright age of sixth grade.
They explained it.
I said, "Nevermind."
I was so frightened at this age at somthing that would become, as they explained, standard at older ages, that i said...."Uhm, what? No."
My mom became frightened that i had lost my virginity, something that wouldn't happen until after graduation although she couldn't know. That I said no.
I said yes to my biggest fear, in fear of someting that at that age sounded worse.
What i have now, is hindsight.
I refused the drug, on fear of the exam, which sounded so dreadful.
What was my gain/loss?
4 inches.
What is four inches?
everything.
Now, four inches would have made me shorter than my ex-husband, the same hight as my current boyfriend.
How many choices is that, unmade for me, made for others, that could have been avoided?
Too many to count.
I know girls 5ft 9, 5 ft 10, and they have normal lives and can buy clothes at walmart.......I must go to different stores=sometimes specialty stores...
My sister is less than me, and more...
Was that my life if I had not been frighteneed?
Few know of the hormone therapy choice i made then...now all of you do.
now you know....how many nights I have been up wondering about those four avoidable inches.
Did they make my life?
Or curse it?
Was god's DNA meant to be lead out, or thwarted?
I am who i am..
But would four inches made me happier? more confident? more normal?
More normal yes. More girl-like, yes. better?
I'll never know. but I think that yes..better.
It's my curse, these four inches, avoidable inches.
But now they are a part of me, my life.
And there are days you cannot know how they hurt.
Tall sizes are for up to 5 ft 11.
I'd have fit that, not been 3 inches above even the tall sizes at all the department stores.
I'd have been their high end of normal.

All for a choice, I was expected to make at 11.

Easy to say now, I want that choice back.
But then, to spread for strangers, that would prod my truly virgin soul.
At that age, I know, I made the right choice. I was too young.
But now,
I'd give ANYTHING for those measlesly four inches.
Measure for once, your life in inches.
What is an inch?
Everything.....in a child's dignity.
Even more in an adult's soul.
Who knew that exchange then?
How could I?

Today, now, I am just below 6 ft 2. My joke is that I am 5 ft 13 and a half.
Aren't I funny? How witty.
My soul....measured in four inches.
My life...years of those four inches.
Never ask what if...the answer for your self image may be more questions than you can handle.
Everyday, I remember that day.
"I don't care what it is, make me stop." What? What did you say the price was?
Know your limits.
Know yourself,
And you want the Houdini of tricks?
Love yourself anyway.....every fucking son of a bitch, god cursing, self image-harming inch.
Whatever your curse...look back, you may be surprised how much choice you had.
I have all my functioning fully formed arms, legs, mind, even clit....seriously there are more unfortunate...
It hurts, dear god it hurts.
Give thanks for your four inches of hurt. Fuck, it could be worse.